


Violation

by Zarla



Series: Vargas Continuity [8]
Category: Johnny the Homicidal Maniac
Genre: Abusive Relationship, Body Horror, Diary/Journal, Emotionally Repressed, Hallucinations, Horror, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Multiple Personalities, Psychological Horror, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Sexual Violence, Sexually Repressed, Unreliable Narrator, self-injury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-10-03
Updated: 2007-10-03
Packaged: 2017-11-07 15:45:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/432802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zarla/pseuds/Zarla
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Edgar decides to keep a diary. Things don't go as planned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Violation

**Author's Note:**

> Set within the Vargas continuity. For the most accurate formatting go to http://www.ashido.com/igtky/diary.html.
> 
> It's difficult to say for sure what exactly is happening in this fic at any given point, but there is definitely disturbing imagery, self-mutilation, sexual content, and a lot of pretty much every kind of abuse (emotional, psychological, sexual, physical...).

2/5

I'm not very good at this. I've read in a lot of books that this kind of thing can be healthy...therapeutic I think it was. Help you sort out your feelings and  
I'm going to try and stick with this. Maybe it will help and maybe it won't, there, but I guess I can at least give it a try. After all, Nny has his  
bad example.  
I don't know how to begin with things. It's hard for me to sort things out, put things in a linear kind of order. Funny that, I'm usually pretty good at that kind of thing.  
It's hard to keep one of these with a constant audience reading over your shoulder.  
Maybe this was a bad idea.  
I can't say anything here that I can't say...to myself I guess it would go. Kind of pointless...even if the paper doesn't yell at me, I know he will. Doesn't matter if I write it on paper or think it, he still hears it and  
I don't know if I can do this.

 

2/11

I don't care if you can hear me writing this or reading it or whatever it is I'm going to write it down.  
I think Scriabin is trying to kill me.

 

2/12

I think I was over-reacting. Um...weird dreams last night...I don't know if I should talk about it. Scriabin's been talking about it non-stop...I'm tired of talking about it. Even if ~~you~~ paper won't talk back.  
Of course writing just brings it all up again for him to look over and start again. Why did I even try

 

2/13

I didn't explain what happened a few days ago, now that I look back on this. Some of these entries I don't remember writing, even though there's only ~~two~~ four of them...not the whole thing or the feeling of it all I mean, just bits and pieces I don't remember. The phrasing. I don't like that. Scriabin says that's a bad thing. He's probably right about that, if nothing else YES if nothing else. God.  
It's kind of hard to explain...looking back on it now makes it all look so ridiculous. It's embarrassing. I didn't really know what was happening at that point, it makes me look  
I kind of want to just tear this whole thing into pieces and throw it away. This thing only really gives information out of context.  
Out of context...I like that phrase.  
 ~~Context is context and out of~~

 

2/24

I almost forgot about this until Scriabin brought it up again. I don't know why you're so interested in my little pseudo-journal thing. It's not like it has any information that you don't already have.  
God knows I can keep no secrets from you.  
I feel sick. I'm going out.

~~YOU WOULDN'TBELEBVE WHAT I JUST DID IT WASSOMAANZINGANDTHE WHOLETHING EH EHEDIDNT EVENKNOWABOUTIT DIDNT KNOW AND SHEWASRIGHTTHERE ON THATOP IT WAS COMPLETELY  
stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid~~

What the hell

 

2/25

I'm nnot getting drunk again.

 

3/5

I don't even want to look at this thing anymore. How can something this ~~small~~ ~~short~~ preliminary present so many questions about so many stupid things with so few entries  
All this book does is remind me of the stupid things I did when I thought I was right.  
Shut up.  
I should tear it up but Scri says I shouldn't. He's obsessed with this thing. I don't even know why god forbid I know anything about what he does yes I'm writing that down  
I'm going to take a nap and pretend I'm normal like before.

~~you're an hypocritical stupid fuck with no life no friends and no future.~~

STOP IT

* * *

  
he's such a goddamn bastard sometimes god i hate him. he won't do anything and just traps me in his suffacating mediacrity. there's life outside that I can't hold because he's scared of getting burnt again god. he lives his life in fear of everything he's never even had and he wont even see it  
if i had his life i'd make it something. the whole world would know me. when i become king i will outlaw doormats.  
fucking hate him whenhe's drunk his thoughts are too loud bt at least he doesn't fight me that way and i'm not a stupid lonely drunk like he is i can still think clear and i'm somuch more confident  
im gonna do something so much that he won't even with the and  
535-1209

Is that a phone number? You didn't. Oh god. Goddammit.

 

3/12

I think I found a use for this. It helps me remember things that CERTAIN PEOPLE TRY TO MAKE ME FORGET  
Gr~sggaa--

* * *

  
guess what  
last night you had a dream about me then when you woke up you tried to erase it but I remembered it.  
you were on your knees begging in front of me and you just kept saying "please scriabin, please love me, i need your approval so very much"  
it was fucking awesome cause you meant it  
guess what i'm going to go get you drunk again and i'm also going to go call julie.

 ~~guess what i did~~  
no no no no no

* * *

  
julie's a stupid whore. i need a shower. this whole world is just out there it's so fucking close sometimes. i mean julie was a mistake obviously, i wouldn't want to reach out for her or anything but i stillwant it i still wantit all. i'm going to have it all i'm going to have everything. it will be beautiful. it's all so close and it's all blocked from me by that stupid empty shield thing he keeps doing keeps erasing i'm fucking shocked he hasn't thrown this thing away yet god forbid he have any proof that he had any kind ofemotion.  
i'd stop writing in here but he can't do anything about it.  
he's going to hate me so much when he wakes up i accidentally tripped and ended up tearing upmy chest on something sharp. that's what happened. not like i care, it won't matter to me soon. i'd put bandages on it but why bother, this isall on loan anyway this is all just so fucking temporary and impermanent  
fuck  
let it fester and get infected, serves him right if it was my body you bet this wouldn't be happening goddamn it ~~why isn't this~~

 

Is it so much to ask for you to put dates on your rambling stupid entries? Don't give me your hangover excuse, I know you're can't feel nearly as bad as I can. Yeah, keep shouting.  
I hate how I can't put your entries on any kind of timeline. Missing time. This is ridiculous. Is it so hard to write two numbers? Not even just because I can't remember, but just so that this whole thing can kind of resemble linear order.  
goddamn you. I know you can hear me.

skreeeeee

* * *

  
MARCH ELEVENTEENTH, NINETEEN FIFTY TWO  
there you happy now  
what if i told you you were going to die in two years because i did something stupid?

 

You are such a liar. It's the 16th for god's sake. That's what the calender says.  
I understand why Nny wouldn't want to go to sleep now. I wonder if he has to deal with a raging dramaqueen writing ridiculous diary entries in his

* * *

  
look at me i'm not writing the date. you can't control me. hahaha when did this happen? you'll never know.  
i ran into julie while I was wandering around the grocery store and ruining the peaches by squeezing them. they hate it when you dothat. i've gottenhim banned fromthree stores already. i'm waiting for the day he tries to buy food and they just kick him out. how's that for a tangible difference you fucker.  
julie told me she had some kind of sexual disease. I already knew that, stupid bitch. she tried to say she was pregnant or some shit but i killed that right ~~there and then~~ then and there. shit, i'm not having sex with someone like her and not using some god damn protection, that'd be edgar-quality stupid.  
who am i kidding, edgar couldn't talk to a girl if his life depended on it.  
or heck A MAN. EVEN IF HE WANTED TO WHICH HE DOES  
i need a drink

 

YOU DID WHAT

* * *

  
~~I HAD SEX WITH A MAN EDGAR. JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW.~~

 

You're such a liar. I'm going to burn this book.

 

4/3

Nny called. He kind of sounded worried. Yes, worried. WORRIED. I'll keep writing it until you SHUT UP  
He wanted to go out to see a movie tonight. He hasn't talked to me in a while...I guess that's how it goes sometimes with him.  
no. No.  
In case someone ever finds this and reads this, Nny is my friend and nothing more.

 

nny is a homicidal psychopath and edgar is head over heels for him. i dont know why I keep telling him that it's stupid andhe won't listen to me  
tried to get control during the movie but i guess his loving stares for nny were just TOO STRONG.  
don't listen to Edgar he's a liar. he can never admit anything. you know what, you know, when they were driving home, nny touched his leg by accident and i swear to god ~~Edgar popped a~~

 

I hate you so much. See, this is why I can't do this. With this voice in my head constantly lying and mocking and lying how can I do this? I can't be honest and that's what these things are for.  
Although I suppose it's ironic that Scri is no more honest in here then I am.

 

you wish i was lying and don't call me that

 

God not this again.

* * *

  
what day is it edgar

 

4/13

I want the noise to stop. I want to be able to look at this and not see his mindless babbling and things I definitely don't remember writing. I hate this thing, I hate this book it reminds me that everything is falling apart. I hate this, this is just not working. This isn't helping.  
Scriabin just loves this book though, doesn't he? I think it's because he likes the idea of leaving some kind of physical proof of his existence outside of me, because that's all he'll ever have. You hear me? You're my stupid voice and you're never getting out of me, ever. You'll always be my shadow.

 

i fucking hate you so much. i want out i want out i want out i want out i want to control you sometime not at night whenyoure asleep i want out  
you're such an asshole.  
sleep away in the back of the brain you stupid shit go ahead, grant me some time with your almighty clemency and generasity bullshit. fucker. you're so greedy and selfish and your definition ofreality is always the bottomline  
i'll show you reality

 

4/14

My lower back hurts because you fell down the stairs, isn't that right? Because if it isn't, I swear to god I'm going to kill you.  
I can't even begin with you. I can't even begin to fight with you over something where you are so obviously wrong. Newsflash for the headvoice - YOU'RE STILL IN MY HEAD. I MADE YOU. You can pretend at reality all you like but you're still my voice and this is still my body and you can't have it.  
You better have fallen down the stairs.

 

~~guess what i had sex with nny. how's that for a message to wake up to.  
he's bad in bed.~~

 

4/15

Nny called.  
I'm going to beat my head against the wall until one of us dies.

 

stupid idiot. nice work handing me the reins with complimentary headache.  
i'm going to go see nny and make sure you can never talk to him again

 

4/17

A lot happened over the past few days...god, that feels weird to write. I don't feel like this is a journal anymore...more like this has become some kind of back and forth written argument. Like notes left on a fridge by different people at different times, if that makes sense.  
Not that I'm particularly good at keeping journals anyway...  
I don't really know how to do this...  
Well, the important thing is that when it really comes down to it, I can take control back. So there. Nny's none the wiser, I would think. No damage done.  
Nice try.

 

4/18

Stop with the dreams.

* * *

  
~~dreamed last night that i was fucking you so hard you were fucking bleeding. you just kept asking for more. i could never satisfy  
why don't you stop first.~~

 

4/20

Horrible headache. god i hate this. Nny asked me to go to a movie too...I can't say no but the sound will wreak havok on my headache...ugh.  
Going to take some tylenol and get ready.

 

doormat doormat doormat doormat

 

4/21

Dreams won't stop. I know you're doing this. Stop it. Stop it right now. It's not helping. You know what'll happen if I have some kind of breakdown? We both suffer. Cut it out.  
I don't remember last night, but I can fucking recognize the aftertaste of alcohol. If not before, then I certainly can now.  
You have a drinking problem.  
Stop it.

 

oh sorry, forgot this whole thing wasjust on loan that's right. i don't want to damage the upholstery or anything god forbid you stupid fucker. if i had my own body i bet you wouldn't give a shit if i drank so much i fucking had sex with you cause i wouldn't do it if was sobr  
stop blaming me for the dreams they're driving me crazy. i can only have rough sex with you so many times before it gets old. shit.  
not my fault you can't control your own subconcious. just stop dragging me into your stupid sexual fantasys. especially the lame fluffy ones, goddamn. andyou say you're not gay jesus. you weep and beg for REALTRUlove so much in your dreams you should just get ovaryes like...tattooed on your face  
goddamn i need a drink i can't deal with this shit anymore

 

4/22

What would you do if I went into rehab?

 

It's been three days, ANSWER ME.

 

4/26

What's happening to me.

 

i did not appreceate that dream you dragged me into last night. i can deal with sex but just no. that's not what i'm here for. you know that, don't try and add more to it and  
keep your dreams to yourself.  
corey called by the way.

 

WHO THE HELL IS COREY

 

4/31

I ordered a new mirror. I couldn't think of any explanation to give for what happened, but apparently mirrors get broken like that all the time. Odd.  
Nny called again. He just wanted to talk. Usually he wants me to go somewhere with him. My head hurt a lot but I toughed it out for him. I mean jeez, I can handle some minor head pain to have a conversation with someone.  
God shut up SHUT UP SHUT UP I CAN'T TALK ABOUT THIS WITH YOU CAN'T I TALK ABOUT IT HERE  
I hate him so much. So much that it frightens me or at least it should. God that sounds so awkward.  
I think I can take the bandages off one hand tomorrow.

 

youre credit card got rejected.

 

5/3

Guess what, I'm not renewing my cards. I'm not giving you anything. I'm going to stop this before it gets me hurt. You have no idea what you're doing to my body, you have no concept of limitations. Running around at all times of night getting horribly drunk and then you have the audacity to call me irresponsible. If you had a body you'd be dead.  
God forbid I be right about anything. I'm going to assume your angry screaming means I'm right.  
You can drink and drink when you get the chance to control me but you can't forget me and you can never stay. All the alcohol in the world won't make you stay in control.

 

i'll fucking kill you.

 

Then where would you be?

 

5/4

That dream last night was your fault.

 

like i'd take credit for that.

 

5/6

Nny touched me on purpose again today. I guess I had something on my face or something...it was very quick, just brushing it off.  
It doesn't mean anything. I mean...it means something to him. That he's developing a  
developing a  
developing the ability to touch other people, connect in a meaningful way without being afraid. Big step forward.  
No, not that way.  
I don't care, I'm marking this down. Mock me all you want. I think it's important.

 

when nny touched him edgar wanted to kiss him so badly it made me sick. grow a spine.  
if he had a spine there wouldn't be any of this stupid carousel revolving door no-touchy stupid bullshit. if edgar ever did what he wanted to this whole thing would be different. I proved that, didn't i?  
youre still alive because i talked him out of killing you then. imagine that.

 

Nothing happened and need you? Need you?  
I don't need you for shit.

* * *

  
it's the day the whole world went away. i went out and spent your hard-earned money on some gothangst music just because i could. the checkout girl hit on me. i still look the same in your body and she still hit on me. you know what it is? it's fucking attitude and you don't have any, that's why no one ever notices you. everyone notices me.  
why shouldn't i just let you become overrun with all sorts of sexual diseases? you're the one who'll have to deal with it, not me.  
i want out  
i want out  
i wish i was  
i want out  
i hate you so much and your stupid dreams are getting increasingly retarded. last night you just wanted to talk with me.  
the hell.  
"i care about you" my ass. your too busy hating me to feel anything else. nice how that works isn't it  
let's all ride the hate machine, kill the rest and stab it dead. hate is such a simple thing and oh so very powerful.  
i hope the songs i'm listening to get stuck in your head for days you bastard.

 

5/7

Today  
Stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it

* * *

  
drink too much and shit  
i hope edgar waaasn't too attashed to that glass thing  
shouldn'ta tried to taak to july again  
shit empty empty empty goddamn this is all his fault stupid templaete shit  
don't need you i'm fine  
sex is fun and meaningless and it gets you all riled up so that's why i keep doing it  
stop making me have sex with you in your fucking dreams i'm so sereous i don't want to

 

5/9

I can't believe you spent 17 dollars on this industrial garbage. Everytime I take it out of my CD player you just put it back in. Are we going to come to some kind of agreement or will we just keep doing this every day?  
Nny said I looked horrible. He's probably right. I haven't slept for days.  
Goddamn it, learn how to punctuate properly.

 

no.

 

5/10

I'm not doing this again. The mirror came today and I set it up. Nny was right.  
I'm assuming the new cut on my face was your fault.  
Everything traces back to you in the end.  
It always comes back to you.  
I don't want you. I don't want you at all. How long has it been since you've been trying to tell me otherwise with your dream manipulation? Stop already, it's not working.  
I can't talk to you. I can't talk to you like a normal human being.

 

maybe it's cause you don't think i am a human being. that'd put a damper on our relationship wouldn't it.  
you want me. i don't want you, but you want me. how many times will you scream my name before you admit it?  
down down down down

 

5/15

I don't remember what happened the last four days.  
God, I don't even care.  
I want to wash this all away and start over again. I'm selling this cd player.

 

julie hits a lot harder then youd think. shit. i hope edgars dental insurance is paid up.  
maybe if he wasn't so hostile all the time i could try and talk to him again. maybe like before at the church.  
shit. he only opened up to me cause he was hurting so bad he couldn't hold it inside anymore. not cause he thought i would help. shit i'm getting all emo again, i'm going out.

 

You wouldn't help me. It's your fault that happened in the first place. Now I have nothing and who do I thank for it?

 

you have me you fuck.

 

5/16

massive hangover.  
I think I'm also missing a tooth.  
I'm beginning to wonder if Julie exists at all.

 

5/17

t

 

5/20

This needs to stop. This all needs to stop.I'm getting sick and we've been spinning in circles too long. This needs to stop.

 

LOOK AT ME I'M JUST LIKE YOU LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME I'M JUST LIKE YOU JUST LIKE YOU JUST LIKE YOU NOW MAYBE YOU'LL

 

6/1

I tore out all the pages with the blood on them. I couldn't write on them and I don't think I could forget what happened if I tried.  
I want to burn this, I want to get rid of this but that won't make it stop, that won't make this any less real. I wish it could but it won't.  
I can't get rid of this now, I can't pretend this never happened. Some of the things in here are the only memories I have of other times...maybe better times, but I can't say that. Some of the things in here hint at what could have happened, speak volumes but I couldn't hear.  
I'm so ineloquent. God.  
Glimpses of things that now might never be found again...  
I don't want to talk about it, not now. I won't, not while he's here. He doesn't want to hear it, hear the same thing for the millionth time this day. He doesn't want to hear it and I know it, and I can respect his wishes at least once.  
Turn the other cheek...  
I still can't believe he  
No, I said I wouldn't.  
Locking the doors, for all the good it will do. He knows where I hide the key. I can only trust him and I

* * *

  
negative reinforcement for the broken times, the lies and falsehoods and the definition of the reality, the reality of it all hit you so hard didn't my boy, my dear dear boy, my precious little broken down computermachine. you didn't think it didn't think that it would happen and i suppose that validates, prooves what i thought would be true. i suspected it but perhaps not really not really.  
dreams and dreams and dreams and now theyve changed and the voice in you has changed hasn't it, the voice has changed and you didnt think that would happen you never though that i'd grow fat on your denial and grow into something you couldnt control did you you never did did you  
feeding off the lies and the feeding feeding off of the blood from the one and from the lies you offer me you offer me so well and with such skill, my boy, you have such skill!  
negative negative negative oh i just wanted attention perhaps different attention thats it like those kids on those shows yes i wanted attention. i can't say i didn't. i wanted to show you something and that needed your attention and i certainly got that didn't i.  
wrap my wrists or yours? bandage my face or yours?  
bittersweet and im choking  
i want out  
i want out  
i want out

Oh god, it's getting worse.

 

6/3

That cd was back in the player again. I don't care.  
I don't know how to talk to you anymore. You've changed and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to react. I'm confused and god.  
God I'm not used to this.  
Say something. Don't let me say things like this.

* * *

  
i want the whole world.  
i want it all.  
i want everyone to die.  
i want everything deeper and harder until i cant breathe.  
 ~~i want you~~ I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU LETME OUT LETME OUT LET ME OUT LETMEOUTLETMEOUTLETMEOUTLETMEOUTLETMEOUTLETMEOUT

* * *

  
you don't want to look in here anymore  
fuck you.  
too real for you  
too much proof that YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG  
YOU'RE WRONG, EDGAR.  
YOU MADE A MISTAKE  
YOU MADE A MISTAKE AND YOU WILL PAY FOR IT

* * *

  
if you don't read this then fine.  
hate gets awfully old after a while  
i know that's not all you feel for me because  
i'm not making those dreams  
i just get sucked into them against my will. its no fun to be dragged into someone else's dream to play the same role everytime, only to be denied when the dreamer wakes up  
i don't like indulging in your HYPOCRISY.  
you need me so much whenever i stop talking you whine and fret until i speak up again  
you fucking slap me across the face whenever i talk to you and when i stop, you passiveaggressively try to pull meback  
so tired of it i am so tired of you  
i wish i was with anyone else in the world then you  
i wish i had anyone else in the world then you  
youre ruining everything

* * *

  
in your dream last night nny tried to rape you then i killed him to protect you.  
goddamn it, you suck at symbolic dreams Edgar. you have no sense of subtlety.

 

6/27

I see that you haven't forgotten about this book, even if I did. Figures.  
It's the only outlet you have outside of me.  
Why won't you talk to me?

 

6/28

Why are you doing this? Are you just sulking over some thing or another? What is it?  
Were you really trying before? Is that what you wanted? Are you upset I stopped your final attempt? Are you upset I thwarted you?  
I hate this, I hate it when you do this. Give me answers. Stop withdrawing from me. It's not like you.

welcome to my world, cocksucker.

Finally.

 

6/29

YOU STUPID FUCKING BASTARD I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD EVER HAVE THE FUCKING NERVE TO EVER SAY SUCH A THING  
SHUT UP ~~I love you~~ SHUT UP  
SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP  
YOU'RE A FUCKING LIAR

 

7/1

I woke up and my pillow was wet. I think I was crying in my sleep.  
I do remember what I dreamed about.  
Just...holding you.  
aagh

i want out i want out i want out  
i'm going to kill someone

* * *

  
i hate him so much  
he lies to me about everything.  
i know what i want and it isn't you.  
i never wanted you.  
going to destroy us both, going to stop this stop this inane circle either im getting out im getting out and putting an end to this or we're going to stop running in circles we're going to stop doing this  
this is going to stop because i want it to stop.

 

7/2

You want my approval. You want me. You want me to care about you. You need me to validate your existence.  
You can't have me.

fuck you and the horse you rode in on. i didn't make you you cocky bastard, remember? i think even your beloved whore logic will agree that you made me for some reason or another.  
some reasn or another.

I made you because

* * *

  
i want to wrap my hands around your throat and squeeze til you stop breathing.

~~You want to wrap your legs around me and fuck me til I stop hating.~~

someday edgar  
someday you're mistakes will catch up to you  
someday  
consequences

 

7/5

I'm not scared of you.  
Nothing scares me now.

 

7/6

There are smudges all along my left ~~hand~~ palm. Were you writing with that hand? Why would you do that? I'm right handed. That makes no sense.  
I refuse to talk to you this way.

beep beep here comes the logic train all aboard

What the hell does that even mean?!

 

7/9

Don't you realize how pointless this is? Don't you understand? I've been trying to get rid of this thing and you just keep stopping me. This book is useless, it's completely useless. Don't you get it? I can't write in this, I can't use this book. I can't do what I'm supposed to with it, because you're always watching me. You're always reading what I write and you know what I say. God why why why you don't understand you never understand anything. How can someone who supposedly came from me be so  
This book is useless to me. I can't be honest in here. I can't be honest in here with you watching me.

why can't you be honest with me

How dare you.

* * *

  
stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop the dreams stop the ride stop everything i want to get off  
the dreams are getting worse god how could they get any worse  
guess what edgar i cant be honest in here either isn't that just peachy lets spin our web of lies and you know, he has a new album out maybe you should go pick it up  
or maybe i should  
guess what edgar guess what cmon you know how to play  
this isnt a one way street  
you cant be honest with me  
and i can't be honest with you

There's an interesting grammatical thing you should look up, it's called a PERIOD. GOD WHY CAN'T YOU WRITE PROPERLY I KNOW HOW TO WRITE PROPERLY WHY CAN'T YOU DO IT YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY I SWEAR TO GOD I'M GOING TO

 

7/11

This isn't working. Everything is

 

7/12

Don't leave me alone.

wouldn't dream of it, my dear boy.  
can't dream of it because apparently what i dream about isn't my decision anymore.

You don't dream.

i don't hurt either do i

What's that supposed to mean? Are you asking me for sympathy?

i'm not stupid

 

7/17

You hate me so much, don't you. You really do.

if you say so.

 

7/18

I can't tolerate anymore of this passive-agressive ~~bull~~ nonsense. Give me a straight answer for once in my life. I can't believe you're doing this, this is everything you swore you'd never become. You never wanted to  
I wouldn't do something like this.  
 ~~Nny is easier to understand then you~~  


* * *

  


* * *

  


* * *

  


* * *

 

7/19

Oh god what did you do last night

 

7/20

Please stop doing this to me. Please don't do this to me. This is your home too.

it's not a home if  
it's not  
i'll do whatever i want to you shit.  
shit I  
edg

* * *

  
~~i'm can move past this  
i'm invinsible  
i don't need anyone  
i don't need him  
i don't need anyone  
GODDAMN IT  
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK~~

 

7/25

~~I'm wor~~

* * *

  
i hate him i hate him so much because he can have everything i can never have and he has no idea  
he can't appreciate anything stupid fucker doesn't know what he has when its right in front of him all that bullshit cause he's too afraid of what he'll lose too afraid that edgar'll turn on him and god i hate him i hate him i hate them all i hate them all god dragging me along with their stupid stupid fucking things and the  
perfection my ass  
he just doesn't understand anything sometimes things change sometimes people change god is that such a hard concept  
i'd hate what i write in here but then i'd be just like you and we can't have that can we  
cold so goddamn cold i can't see and  shit  
that didn't just happen  
this is all y

 

7/29

Talk to me. This can't be happening. Not to you. Not to you god no. This is all going wrong. This is all going wrong. Why won't you talk to me, I can't  
Talk to me, say something, anything. Yell at me, scream at me, tear me apart inside, do anything you want, take me over again, I'll let you do anything you want, just talk to me again.  
 ~~I can't  
This is all  
I need  
I m  
I don't  
I can't~~  
Goddamn you Scriabin why are you doing this to me. ~~Why are you hurting me like this why do you keep doing this to me why do you enjoy seeing me like this god what's wrong with you why why why~~  
Please  
I n  
Please.

funny  
in the dream you were so much more sincere  
two way street edgar  
two way

 

8/2

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! FOR GOD'S SAKE WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?!?!  
STOP DOING THIS TO ME

 ~~i want out~~  
GUESS WHAT EDGAR I WANT YOU TO STOP HURTING ME HOW ABOUT THAT

* * *

  
you hid the book under your mattress  
wanted to pretend it never happened  
you yelled and yelled but you're not as good at this as i am  
you curled up and gave up because that's what you do  
and god forbid you be reminded of your failure, thus why you hid the book beneath the mattress. I can understand why you'd do such a thing, though that makes it no less pathetic.  
I doubt you'll ever look in here again. Perhaps the damage has run too deep, and perhaps I've said too much. It wouldn't surprise me, you have a tendency to withdraw from reality. Withdraw from people, from emotions, from feelings and things that would prove that the life you lead is meaningless.  
I am aware, Edgar.  
I am aware that things have gotten worse and have the capability  
to get much much worse.  
I am aware, Edgar  
that the future for us holds nothing good. That there is nothing in store for us except pain that we collectively can't imagine, although I suppose we're both too proud to admit such a thing.  
You won't read this. I know you won't. You're a fool that way, you're weak beyond what my words could ever express. I'm surprised you didn't burn this, as I stated once before. Perhaps even such a minor act of destruction would put too much imaginary blood on your hands.  
You said once that this was my one physical link. My legacy, I guess you could say. In a way, I suppose you are right. When you die...if we're lucky, you will die...then I shall die with you, I am sure.  
What memorial would they erect for me? What memorial would they have for a mere "parasite", an alternate personality to the more scientifically inclined perhaps, that perished along with you?  
I suppose this will stand as my lasting accomplishment. Pathetic, when you think about it. I am no more proud of my behavior in this book than you. How shockingly childish I can become when frustrated. I hold no pride for myself at those times.  
But you said it yourself, it is very difficult to be honest with someone reading over your shoulder. Perhaps it didn't occur to you, but that would be no surprise. It never does. You read over  my shoulder as well, my boy. You didn't feel any qualms about it either. My long rambling entries as you called them, you read them without the slightest twinge of conscience. Did you think I wrote them for you? I suppose that occasionally I did, but not all the time.  
But that wasn't an option for you, was it?  
My feelings mean shockingly little to you. I don't expect that will ever change.  
The dreams...  
You will never read this. I thought that we shared dreams. I imagine this was indeed so. I am a sentient presence but I am still effected by your mind in ways you often don't anticipate.  
I know they were your fault.  
Do you know what it's like, Edgar? No you don't, I wouldn't think. You're not as trapped as I am. Reality for you and dreams are clearer cut for you than for me. And you've worked so hard to keep any kind of depth from between us that it wouldn't have hurt you as perhaps as much as it would have hurt me.  
My hand aches. Perhaps it's yours. See Edgar, you see? I can write just as well as you can. I just knew that writing as I did would irritate you. Childish behavior, but what can I say.  
You are very frustrating to deal with.  
Sometimes when I went out at night, I got drunk because I recalled reading somewhere that you don't dream that way.  
Do you realize, Edgar, just how much more is open to you than is to me? Do you realize that while you can potentially reach out to someone, even if you never do, that's more than I can ever accomplish?  
Do you realize Edgar  
that in the end it always comes down to you.  
In the end, it is always me and you.  
Except, for you, it is not that way.  
For you, there is you, Nny, and occasionally me, when you aknowledge my existence.  
Do you realize now  
I have no options.  
It is you or no one.  
I can't possess you all the time. Moments of control are not a life.  
They are not reality.  
It is you or no one.  
Goddamn it Edgar.  
How can you be like this.  
You can't even spare me some of your precious  
I'm not real to you and if I'm not real to you  
God  
I'll make myself real. I swore I would and I will. I'm sick of you, Edgar. The fact you'll never read this feeds the rage that you deny that becomes mine. The fact that you can't handle the idea, that you can't handle your own mistakes, that makes me  
I am sick of you.  
I am tired of you.  
I have tried and tried for longer than anyone else would. I have put up with your shit for longer than anyone else could. I have done it all in hopes for something, anything from you. Some kind of recognition, something more than what you've given me.  
I hate you, Edgar.  
I hate everything about you.  
I cannot stand you.  
I'm not going to keep trying and failing. I'm going to do what you couldn't and I'm going to learn and move on.  
I will have you, Edgar. I will have all of you. I will take you over, completely. I've done it before, I've gotten close. Sometimes when I got drunk enough so I couldn't see and couldn't walk, I could hear you in the back of MY mind, crying out to me. Asking me to stop. I could HEAR you Edgar I could hear you WORRYING and then THEN you really understood, didn't you, you knew what it was like  
I could feel you in the back of MY mind and I could feel you trying to claw your way out and when I passed out after  
When I passed out on the bed and I started  
I heard you crying  
I heard you crying for me Edgar and then you understood.  
You really understood.  
You won't believe me but you won't read this.  
When I stopped talking to you I thought maybe you'd realize how much you need me  
I thought you'd realize but you never did.  
I would get so drunk and for a while I looked to others but it wasn't the same. You'd be quiet whenever that happened, you just refused. Locked up. That's not what I wanted.  
You and your goddamn dreams.  
Then the day after when you woke up with your hangover you said you were worried about your goddamn body all the tears you shed were because you were scared I'd ruin your precious body  
God I hate you so much you play the martyr you pretend to be the victim while you drive your GODDAMN NAILS INTO MY HANDS AND DARE TO ASK ME WHAT'S WRONG AND WHY I WON'T TALK TO YOU LIKE I'M SOME KIND OF FUCKING SERVANT YOUR FUCKING TOOL GUESS WHAT YOU

I still remember when you said this wasn't good for us.  
You fucking bastard.  
God I hate you.  
When I watched you bleed it was the sweetest feeling I've ever known.  
I will have you, I will have all of you. I will take everything of yours. I will take it all and I will control you, I will control everything about you. Then it will just be you and me, and you'll see what it's like. You'll see what it's like.  
When you have no other option.  
You've always had options Edgar that's what makes me sick about you. Constantly complaining about how everything wasn't your choice when god you have more options than you ever would imagine if you'd just  
My hand hurts but god forbid you would care. It doesn't matter to me anyway. I'll make you care, when the time comes. I'll make you see what it feels like, I'll make you see what you do, what all your passing thoughts do. I'll make you see the consequences. I'll make you see it all and then you'll be on your knees, and you'll be begging me. You'll be begging me for my approval, you'll be begging me to stop, you'll be begging me to listen and I won't.  
I won't listen to you, Edgar. I won't listen to you.  
You'll see. I'll do it, I'll get through it all, I'll get through the barriers and one day when I go to sleep I'll wake up again.

I'm not yours, I was never yours. You never controlled me, you could never hope to control me. You couldn't stop me drinking could you, and you couldn't stop me from going out even when you tried. You can't control me. All your attempts to control me all failed and that's what they were, they were all attempts to control me. I can read you so well. You are transparent to me, my boy. I know everything, I know everything you try to do.  
I know you're lying to me. I know you are. I know. I know you just wanted me to stop because you were concerned for your body, you were concerned about losing control. That's all. Nothing more.  
I am not yours, Edgar. I never belonged to you. I belong to myself. Someday you will know that and you will respect that. You can't control me. I control you. I can make you do anything I want. I know this is true. I control you. You're mine, dear boy, you're my property. You're mine to do with as I please. Soon you won't even fight me anymore. You won't fight me, you won't try to push me away, and when that day comes, it will all end. Everything will end, all the built up nastiness and hurt you hold for me, it will fade and fall away, and I know what will happen. You will stop fighting me because you never should have been fighting me in the first place. I will reach out my arms to you, and you will willingly find your place in them. You will want me, you will admit what you've been denying for so long. You will admit that you need me, that you need me so much. You need me for everything. You need me. You need me.  
I know this will happen. I know this is true. When you stop fighting, then the dreams will stop. You'll stop bleeding when I touch you. You'll stop screaming in frustration, even in your fantasies, about things you refuse to resolve. Not can't, things you refuse to resolve.  
Then you'll be satisfied.  
I've done so much for you. So much.  
Stop fighting me, just stop fighting me and let me have you. I promise, I promise

I'm going to get drunk. See you soon.

 

12/3

I...  
God.  
I'm...

I need help.

* * *

  
it's too late for that now

* * *

  
say it again say say ssaayy it agaainn  
let me hear it one more time from the ballconyy  
let me feel it one mor time  
let me see it one more time  
i can feel it dripping and warm  
god i love this i love this and don't you love it too

\---

I can still hear it running. System check, c d e. System check, hard drive failure. Disk error. Abort retry fail.  
I don't even like computers.  
I don't know what any of that means.

* * *

  
ha ha  
run diagnostic  
experiment file exe run  
it's okay edgar  
it's okay isn't it  
i'm here with you aren't i  
oh i love you so much don't i

\---

I wasn't thinking of you when  
I wasn't. I wasn't. I wasn't.

~~my darling lets run away together you and me it will be magical~~

I saw something that wasn't real. I saw something that wasn't real. I was walking to the kitchen and I saw something but it wasn't real.  
It wasn't real.

of course it wasn't.

It's only been an hour. I don't remember.  
Didn't you used to wait  
Maybe  
That static is you.

of course it is.

That was you, wasn't it.

sure it was.

He deserved it, didn't he?

of course he did.

I was right.

he did ~~######~~

He deserved it.

my dear boy.

He deserved it.

let me take care of this. let me take care of this.  
my dear boy. my dear foolish edgar.  
let me take care of it. i know what to do.  
i know what to do.  
bring me that knife from the kitchen.

\--\\\

I feel better.  
He deserved it.  
I feel.

i know you do now.  
reality tastes so good, doesn't it  
oh doesn't it  
don't forget to change the bandages. infection would not be good at this point for you.

Scriabin Scriabin Scriabin Scriabin Scriabin scriabin scaibin scraibin scriabin scribin scria scri scri

this is healing beautifully. dark red and so angry against your skin. i love this. this is beautiful edgar, thank you. i appreciate this a lot. i do. the pink and the flaking bits and the bandages all soaked and cleaned and all of it coming to a glorious and permanent conclusion.

I did it for you.

i know you did.

Cause you told me to.

back to childhood games again? do you regret it?

You took care of it.

i did, i did indeed.

\---

He stopped drinking. I'm so ~~rele~~ glad. I was worried about you. About us. I was worried about us. I was.  
I think I made a mistake. I think I made a lot of mistakes. I think something's going wrong. I feel like something's off, like something's wrong. I feel like there's something wrong off somewhere but I don't know where and I don't know why. Something is breaking far away or maybe very close. I don't like it. I don't like this. It's not permanent or anything maybe I just didn't get enough sleep last night.  
I don't feel like I'm myself or I'm doing as much as I once did. I am though. I must be. I feel like  
something  
I just can't  
Sometimes I wake up and I can still feel it on my hands and  
He deserved it ~~?~~.

its nothing serious. nothing serious. i did stop because there was no point to it anymore, was there?  
nothing's wrong. you're just stressed.  
i'll take care of it.  
just let me take care of everything.

\---

I haven't breathed in months.

* * *

  
perpetual reading over the shoulder. i'd rip out the older entry, but it's too late for that, isn't it my boy? it won't make any difference now. but it does effect what i can say here, but i think you already know that.  
we're becoming so close  
i think we're making a lot of progress.  
this is very positive, my edgar. this is very positive.  
no dreams, right?

 

**Edgar please call me  
I'm worried about you.  
I saw ~~#######~~ writing.  
I saw him in your body.  
I need to talk to you RIGHT NOW.**

oh oh what's this oh look what we have here  
it's the homicidal psychopath come riding to the rescue  
how's it feel being up on your white horse oh magical one  
funny how you can't say anything to edgar's face  
but oh look a piece of paper it's so much easier this way  
you and your fucking die-ary, haha, did i ever tell you that's the most fucking cliche and stupid name for a journal i've ever heard of  
i can't believe you have the sheer ~~gall~~ audacity to say you're worried  
let me remind you oh flawless one that you have stated once  
stated twice  
three times the cock crows  
that YOU'RE GOING TO KILL HIM.  
YOU'RE GOING TO  KILL HIM.  
WHY THE FUCK DO YOU CARE  
don't worry though don't worry  
you won't find this book again  
i have to deal with your insulting hypocrisy (edgar's ten times ten) face to face often enough whenever you whine at edgar for passive attention you can't find anywhere else  
you ~~'~~ r ~~e~~ fucking words have no place here  
i won't stand for it  
you won't find this book again  
you won't even read this  
i know that when he wakes up  
these words will go completely unnoticed  
and yours will be what counts  
fuck  
someday, i want to dig my hands into your sunken little eyesockets and pull until your head splits in half, show you what happens when your passive little doormat becomes  
see what melodramatic pseudo-intellectual self-justifying bullshit you can come up with then  
fuck, why wait?

\---

You're like a meaningless drone in the background. I know what you say before you say it. I don't have to listen to you, not if you don't have anything new to say.  
Talked with Johnny...  
Too much to sum up here. Suffice it to say, he said some things that worried me, but it's nothing I can't handle.  
I've handled it all so far. I don't see why that would change.  
He asked me about the  
I can't see why, he deserved it. That's obvious.

 

oh who called it  
you win my good sir here's your prize one year's supply of disappointment with two free crates of angry yearning and mental violence  
redeemable at your local bar for enough vodka to make

\---

I didn't do that. I didn't. I know I didn't. I wouldn't do that. I know I wouldn't, so I wouldn't. Didn't. I didn't do that. I didn't. I know it. It was just a nightmare, it was something going wrong but it wasn't my fault. It wasn't my fault  
God he was  
I didn't.  
Anyday now  
Where am I going?  
I'm spinning in circles and I feel dizzy.  
Who wrote this on my arm? I don't remember doing this. I don't remember doing this jesus christ it's ALL OVER MY ARM

\---

It's...I don't know what day it is...  
You threw away my calendars, didn't you.  
I can't believe you did that, why would you do that to me. God why would you do that to me what's wrong with you i can't i can't i ca

\---

Oh god why  
why why why  
why why why why why  
your name is written in my arm it's written IN MY SKIN

when it hurts just pull back, just pull back and i'll take care of it, i'll make it go away for you. i can do that. you know that's what you want. let me take care of it. it hurts too much and i can make it better.

\---

Where's my white shirt?

don't ask questions you don't want answers too.  
your dreams are

\---

I want someone else.

no you don't.

What if I do?

you don't.

\---

Words are appearing but my hand isn't moving.

\---

This isn't real and this isn't happening to me  
This isn't real and this isn't happening to me  
This isn't real and this isn't happening to me  
This isn't happening to me  
This isn't real and this ns't happenng to me  
This isn't happening  
This isn't happening  
This isn't happening  
This isn't happening  
This isn't happening  
This isn't happening  
This isn't happening  
This isn't happening  
This isn't happening

\---

Do I know you?

* * *

  
bend and break, bend and break. bend a bit further, a bit more. that's it. bend a little more for me, just like that. stay that way, stay that way. don't move. it will only hurt for a few seconds.

MY HAND

* * *

  
this all still makes sense. edgar's just confused. he's not thinking straight.  
this still makes sense.  
just want to  
i just want to  
i just want to

\----

You don't hate me do you?  
I didn't do anything wrong. I did everything you asked me too.  
Why did you look at me like that?  
I told you why I wrote that, didn't I? I did. I told everyone why I did that, everyone should know. Why would he be confused? I don't understand.  
He pushed me up against the wall, just like he does every night. Just like that, he did it. He pulled out that  
When it went in  
I felt it go all the way through and I lived  
I lived  
You told me I was God.  
You told me I was God.  
He started crying when he saw me, when he saw me there, saw me still. He saw me as I was, he saw me in reality, and he was frightened. I told him not to be afraid. I told him not to be afraid.  
Everything went like it should, like it has.  
You said it wouldn't work. You said it wouldn't work.  
He did it, he did it just like I knew he would. Up against the wall and pushed in right through.  
I'm going to have to get the carpet cleaned. If it all decays then the smell will be hard to get out. Don't you agree?  
Yes yes, exactly.  
He let me do it, just like he did before. Some nights before, not all of them. He let me, like I thought.  
It went right through. It went right through and pushed in deep.  
You told me I was God.

* * *

  
kyrie eleison.  
kyrie eleison.  
oh fucking help me christ

\---

____ has died  
____ has risen  
____ will come again.

~~~and then with saaaaaaaaa~

* * *

  
if i know what i'm doing and i do  
i can fix this  
you're still fighting me edgar  
you're still fighting and it's not good for you  
it's not good for us  
let me have it, let me have it  
i can fix this  
i can fix you let me  
just let me

\---

Tell me

* * *

  
kyrie fucking eleison oh god

Your words are running. If you write on the blood it will ruin the pen.

\---

SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT  
I'M NOT GOING TO

* * *

  
used to be so sincere  
we're both getting out of this i won't let you  
we're not

\---

Why doesn't he call?  
He still comes by every night. Sometimes I want to talk though.  
He should call. I didn't do anything wrong.  
I was very careful. I did what was expected of me. I did what they thought I should. I did what I was supposed to.

eat something.

I did.

don't write me notes go eat something don't argue with me.

\---

If you're very careful, they don't make a sound. You need to know what you're doing, of course. You need to know when to move, what to do. You need to be very calm, need to be very much in control. I am in control. I can do it, that's why it's very quiet.  
I am very in control. I always have been. I know exactly what I'm doing.  
The faster the better of course. Less chance of  
I know what I'm doing. I can follow directions.  
He deserved it. It's obvious. It only makes sense when you think about it. That's how it works. He deserved it.  
I know what I'm doing. I know exactly what I'm doing.

* * *

  
i want to blur this all out i want to undo everything  
i can't i can't do that anymore  
i can't do that now there's too much at stake  
pinpoint thread and god that doesn't even make sense  
lights keep flicking on and off, god i'm not seeing this. this is him, all the way. he's trying to get me to participate but i refuse.  
i know what's real and what's not real. i know what to believe. you can show me all the ~~sfgkaktkagjj~~ you want  
i'm fine. i can find a way out of this. of course i can find a way out of this. he's useless now, completely useless.  
even if you read this it doesn't matter anymore

Don't call me names.

god edgar.  
my god.

\---

Kyrie? Who's Kyrie?

i

* * *

  
this isn't my fault  
this is your fault  
you're not doing this right  
this isn't how it's supposed to go  
this isn't how it's supposed to be  
this isn't my fault  
 ~~before when  
you weren't like  
you were able~~  
but no nothing's really changed ~~in the fact~~ ~~considering~~ since you still refuse to admit you need me  
and god you need me edgar  
you are not normal  
you are not under control

\---

So there.

oh god why did you do that

I know exactly what I'm doing.

* * *

  
i don't want to resort to this but i don't know what else to do  
i wouldn't say that normally but everything isn't registering for him anymore it's all words that don't mean anything except affirming what he thinks is true  
i don't want to do this because i dont know what will happen if i can't hold on to him if he gets away from me, or ifit doesn'tlast  
shit i have no other option  
at least the hangover will keep him inside tomorrow

* * *

  
if you wannt to say soomthing say it now  
if this's youre body make my hannd moove  
sayy somthing  
write it  
moove yor finers  
i'll wait all nnight

\---

Complications are arising that must be taken care of. I do not appreciate what is happening to my body without my control and I will take steps to remedy this problem.  
First.  
-get dry cleaning  
-check the rug  
-lock the doors  
-apples  
-fifteen  
-dry cleaning  
-find car keys  
Estimated Time:

-go crazy  
check.

\---

I don't appreciate your juvenile comments, Mr. Vargas. I have had about enough of you.

mr vargas WHAT THE FUCK WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT

Scriabin Vargas.

the hell, edgar. the hell.

* * *

  
had one of those dreams again last night  
god it's been so long  
he was so normal in it he wasn't  
nothing had  
oh shit why didn't anyone tell me about this  
i didn't know it would be like this.

\---

He won't call me, but that's okay. I see him every night anyway. Not last night, but almost every night I see him. Sometimes I feel like no one ever sees me at all, but he does. I miss talking over the phone though. I'd call but  
Once was enough, right? Ha ha.  
Do you ever get that feeling where something is building and building and building behind something in your mind and you can't even think, the pressure is building so strongly and insistently, and then finally it goes away? It's such a relief, all the pressure is gone...  
I don't know what came over me a few days ago. I was...  
I was acting strangely.  
Just a minor thing, really.  
You get used to the marks, after a while. Like the lines beneath my eyes, you get used to it. You get used to the letters on your arm, you get used to the pink.  
I don't remember why I did that.  
Your name is unnecessarily long, Scriabin.  
You wrote it, didn't you? I don't think I would have stayed awake through it. Cut deep, I imagine.  
Things are getting better now, definitely. Pressure's gone.  
Things definitely getting better.

 **Edgar  
I can see what he's doing to you. I can see what he's done.  
Let me talk to you.  
He's going to try to keep you away from me again.  
But I need to talk to you.  
I know I can help you. I have to be able to help you. You know that.  
You promised me.  
I keep trying to call and  
I don't know how long I can keep finding you, it gets harder and harder each time. I know when you push me away that it's him.  
I have to get close to you. Let me protect you. Let me get close to you**  
yes let me get close to you let me plunge the knife deeper into your chest  
for god's sake he stabbed you edgar he stabbed you in the chest don't tell me you don't remember

Stop it. Stop imitating him. I'm tired of it, I hate it when you do this. This entire page is getting ripped out tomorrow.

oh  
oh the irony

* * *

  
i can't believe you dreamed about that  
about doing that to me  
i can't believe that  
if i could i'd get away from you but i can't  
jump ship

\---

I can't believe that man did that. How unbelievably rude. What is wrong with people today?  
I think I cut my finger.

go get me the book about the invisible man. i don't remember what it's really called just get it for me. i want to read it.

They tore down the library and put a strip mall in its place. Figures.

no  
no they didn't  
get me the book

\---

You said I was God.

* * *

  
someone get me out of here  
someone get me out  
someone get me out  
this isn't happening someone get me out  
god god god god DAMMIT  
someone get me out someone get me out

* * *

  
i took his body as usual and when i stood up his legs he had done something i didn't remember him doing  
he did something that i didn't remember him doing  
i know everything edgar does  
but he did something i ~~didn't~~ don't remember  
that i don't remember

\---

I didn't like that dream last night Scriabin.  
Make them stop.

i want to.

You WILL.

* * *

  
if he only did that thing if he only went back if he only got vulnerable or something something i'm familiar with something i know how to handle but he's never done this before  
i don't know how to handle this  
if he'd just regress or something i can handle that i know how to fix that i can fix that  
i don't know what's happening i don't know what's going on.

\---

I was watching my hands  
And I watched them and they pulled apart very slowly. Like the invidual particles were just pulling away from each other. Just disintegrated into the air, no mess and no fuss.  
It was a neat television program. I shouldn't have stayed up so late though.

* * *

  
can't get drunk the last time i did he turned into supercomputer edgar and that was somehow WORSE  
he won't listen to me it's like he's a million fucking miles away  
i can't reach him christ  
what happened

\---

Someone called but they just kept making weird noises into the phone. Gibberish. I can't believe I'm getting prank calls. What next.

i know that was nny i know it was but  
i couldn't understand him either  
oh fuck me fuck me fuck me i ~~sho~~  
god please someone get me out of here.

You need to take a break, Scri. I think you're a bit stressed.

* * *

  
he knows that i just do this to annoy him WHY AM I STILL WRITING LIKE THIS I KNOW HOW TO PUNCTUATE I KNOW GODDAMN IT

\---

You threw out all my calendars.  
You threw them all away.  
Why?

i can't remember.

* * *

  
i am becomiiiiiinng

1/1

Let's start something new. Things are better now.

let me out

1/2

God that feels good. That feels so good.  
He still won't call. Maybe I should go visit him.

1/3

I didn't get enough sleep and I saw some things, but they weren't real. I know that much. Ha ha, I see some strange things when I don't get enough sleep. Isn't that right, Scriabin? Yes, that's right. You know, you were there. Yes, strange things.  
I'm going to make myself something warm, maybe tea, and then I think I'll take a nap.

~~nny's dead~~

* * *

  
he tried to kill me  
he tried to kill me he tried  
i forgot somehow goddamn how could i be so stupid i forgot he reads this and sometimes  
he does understand  
got too complacent and fuck  
ffffffffuck.  
stabbed his arm where my name is and shit  
i don't remember writing it either  
i have to get him to a hospital his arm is bleeding but he wouldn't let me through until he fell asleep  
oh god  
how the hell did that go, kee...kir...kiryai eh...ehleh...shit. SHIT IT WAS THE ONLY THING HE UNDERSTOOD  
no wait  
note: a month went by between two and three and what's the point that way

1/4  
Things are getting better. He came back last night, didn't he? You were there, you know. You saw it. I know you did, you made your little sarcastic jibes and it was just like it always was. It was just like before. I knew I was seeing things.  
You shouldn't say things like that, even if you're just joking. It's not funny. It's not funny at all.  
He's always so nice at night. It's so easy to forget  
Need to do my arm exercises before I go to bed.

you know how a trapped coyote will gnaw off its own leg to escape?

I don't understand the relevance.

1/5  
Someone pushed me over while I was waiting in the rain today. I don't know why they think they can do that. Where do these people get their sense of entitlement? I can understand why Nny would be so short-tempered. Thankfully, I have a good deal more self-control then he does.  
Honestly. How much sooner did you get to work, random man? Hardly worth it, I would ~~n't~~ think.  
Doesn't matter to me. This kind of thing, I just let it go.  
It doesn't bother me.

please listen to me just listen for once  
i've been talking at you for  
god let me talk to you again  
i can fix this i know i can  
i won't keep cleaning up for you forever  
not if you refuse to talk to me  
i'm not your

* * *

  
i looked at the beginning of this and i feel like it never happened  
god why did i  
how did this happen? how did this happen so fast? when?  
god how arrogant was i. so self-absorbed and i didn't see  
i had some idea but i had no concept, couldn't understand how serious this is  
how serious this would become  
i didn't know i didn't even see back then  
i should have known i should have known  
every bit of information you could want was there  
just couldn't piece it together because i was just too busy feeling sorry for myself  
shit. shit i've fucked up everything.  
i'm the only one who can fix this  
it all comes down to me again.  
it always comes down to me.

1/6  
So then I  
No, I don't think so.  
No.  
No.  
That's a good point, but  
Maybe.  
Not really.  
No.  
I can see your  
Why didn't you say that  
I don't even want to  
You can be  
That's not true.

* * *

  
i thought the dreams were bad before but now  
the edgar i see in them, the edgar from before this all  
i just  
god  
god  
god

1/7  
Scriiiiaaaabiiiinnnnn

1/8  
It's easy to say that, isn't it? It's just so easy to say that.

* * *

  
still fighting and fighting and fighting  
he won't give up and this is  
doesn't even know he's fighting and i'm  
can't let this happen i just can't

* * *

  
~~i'm~~ not scared  
can't get out  
i can't get out

1/9

1/10

1/11

* * *

  
~~please~~

\-------------

I'LL KILL YOU I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL KILL YOU I'LL KILL YOU FOR THIS I'LL KILL YOU I'LL KILL YOU I'LL KILL YOU  
I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU

* * *

  
someone  
someone  
someone  
someone  
help

1/13

GNNN  
This pen was      fine before.  
E  
ED  
EDGA  
ED

* * *

  
i didn't want to oh god i didn't want to i just woke up and i had it in my hand i don't remember going out i don't remember getting drunk i don't remember i don't remember  
shit i wrote on the WALL

* * *

  
~~my~~ hands feel raw  
little dots that keep appearing no matter how many times i  
need more bandages fuck where does he keep them  
goddamn it you don't remember anything you don't know what i do for you  
i need to

1/13

It's the anniversary or something. I can't remember what, but I know it is. You know how sometimes you can just know something, know that that time has come again? It's this kind of innate knowledge of what time it is. I've always had a good sense of time. I never really needed a lot of calenders or anything like that. That's why I don't need to go back to the beginning of this book, I know what happened. I can remember it. I've always had a good memory. They always used to say that about me. I don't really need the earlier pages. There's no point, really. I can remember.  
I just can't remember what I was supposed to do today. That's not a big problem. It will come to me soon. I don't need to write things down to remember things like this.  
He's being so stubborn lately. He's so frustrating to deal with. Well, I don't need him anyway. He's not important. My life is what's important.

i want to be angry at you but i know that you  
i know this isn't  
i hate feeling  
i don't

* * *

  
i wanted to see  
sometimes i get glimpses sometimes i can hear him talk the way he used to  
sometimes he acts like he once did  
he makes sense  
he can think like he used to  
i'm not constantly surrounded with  
i can hear again  
i wanted to see if i could bring him back  
i wanted to try  
i wanted him back this new person isn't  
getting drunk didn't work i know that. i learned from that experience.  
i remembered the dreams  
difficult to do, to manage the barriers so he could see and hear and interact but i was still there, still there with his hand  
he usually tried to block that kind of thing out like before but this time he stayed with me  
it kind of worked i could hear him again near the end  
asking me to go faster  
i almost forgot his voice  
but when it was over he was gone again just vanished  
back to the empty words and voice and those stupid inane things he says that he thinks means things  
maybe i can work with this. if i apply myself then i'm sure i can do something with this.

I'm still here.

does it matter? do you even know what i'm talking about? do you even remember?

I'm still here.

1/13

Bad dreams.  
Fell through the wall today.  
Felt kind of like doing a somersault in a pool.  
THIS ISN'T HAPPENING THIS ISN'T HAPPENING OH GOD HELP ME

* * *

  
my arm is bleeding  
they fought more then i thought they would  
i thought that it was just him at first but they bit him and i had to fight back  
he can't fight now he's completely gone  
i had to fight for him  
i have to

1/13

Suscipe domine universam meam libertatem. Accipe memoriam, intellectum atque voluntatem omnem. Quidquid habeo vel possideo mihi largitus es - id tibi totum restituo, ac tuae prorsus voluntati trado gubernandum. Amorem tui solum cum gratia tua mihi dones, et dives sum satis, nec aliud quidquam ultra posco. Amen.

what the fuck edgar you don't know latin

You don't have to. Not all the time.

what the fuck does that even mean what does that have to do with anything

 

    3

     some work, but it's coming along nicely. I didn't think     sewing this would be  
   cult        not dry enough, the      pulls apart into strings and it's no good then, you have to get more. I don't have t         spe     getting more nowadays.  
Coathangers       rking for the foundation. I can't use bones, that'd make them too heavy. I wish I could've found skin that matched color          c'est la vie, however that's spelled.     titches turned out better then          cted,      ooth so sometimes you       ven see where it was all sewn together.  
I'       all the teeth I need      e halo. Coathanger    rks for that    well. Some of the don       d...poor dental hygiene, so they're going to             aned first.          clean and white, I can bore the holes through        et th  ire thro  . I bent t     adband for it into shape already, so it'll f      en the teeth are all stru    . I          f the weight will make it dro         tually in place. A lar      mber of teeth ca     gh more th    ne expects.  
The wings are almost don       . I'm glad I didn         sort to my own arm     his. That wouldn't be pleas    . Even          ve made the color less        .  
       ing to ha    ake a picture of myself wearing these           l done. I     ine it      look amazi    .  
And you said I had no focus.  
Shit I spilled it all over the page. Shit!

 

i thought i killed him  
why are you asking for his attention

 

* * *

  
woke up in the bathtub  
the water was  
it was  
he  
i can't  
i feel dizzy but i'm alive that's what counts

1/13

You're trying to kill me. Why did you do that?

i didn't do shit. you did that.

I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING GOD ADMIT IT FOR ONCE FOR GOD'S SAKE STOP LYING TO ME YOU TRIED TO KILL ME HOW COULD YOU HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME

* * *

  
they fucking stank end of story. he is going to be pissed when he wakes up.

* * *

  
the mirror's broken again.  
it must have been him.  
i didn't do it. i didn't do it.

* * *

  
THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT GOD  
WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THIS  
WHY CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO ME  
THIS IS ALL YOUR GODDAMN FAULT EDGAR  
 ~~YOU'RE FUCKING INSANE AND YOU'RE NOT TAKING ME WITH YOU YOU~~

1/

I just wanted to make you happy.  
I just wanted to make you happy and then everything  
everything

* * *

  
please god please god please god make it stop make it stop make it stop i swear i'll never do anything i'll never go i'll never i swear i'll stop just make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop please please please please please please please  
please god please  
please please make them stop make them stop please please please  
oh god someone help me help me help me they're everywhere

1/12

I don't own a gun.  
Where did this come from?

i didn't buy rice.

That wasn't my question.

edgar are you alone in the house

I

* * *

  
SYSTEM ERROR ABORT ABORT ABO

* * *

  
i'm not drunk GODDAMMIT

1/13

YOU ARE NOT DOING THIS TO ME. HOW COULD YOU EVEN THINK OF DOING THAT.

i didn't put those there i swear to god i don't know where they came from shit you think i'm that stupid that i'd do something like that

You're the one who started drinking.

* * *

  
look i'm writing between the lines  
hello

* * *

  
continue y/n

1/14

Things are definitely getting better. I know they are.

~~you  
you  
you're hand EAAA AAAAAAA~~

1/15

Things are definitely getting better. I know they are.

please  
please  
please don't  
plea

* * *

  
not tonight i don't want to not tonight

* * *

  
i broke  
i broke his la  
lamp  
lammp  
broke his

* * *

  
where's my coat

1/16

Why won't he come back?  
Where is he?  
I haven't seen him in days.  
He usually comes by at night but not lately.  
Where is he?  
Where is he?

~~#################~~

1/17

Now you know what it feels like.

i'm not your  
i'm not  
i'm not  
you can't

* * *

  
help me  
help me  
help me  
help me  
help me  
help me  
help me  
help me  
help me  
help me  
help me  
help me  
help me  
help me  
help me  
help me  
help me  
help me  
help me  
help me  
help me  
help me  
help me  
help me  
help me  
help me  
help me  
help me  
help me  
help me  
help me  
help me  
help me  
help me

he's

1/13

you didn't actually write anything

What are you talking about?

1/

Something

* * *

  
woke up in the bathtub again  
no water  
head bleeding  
head bleedi

~~1/13~~

~~I don't even know what I'm hating. I think it's you.~~ It is you.  
I'll kill you.

can't  
breathe

* * *

  
~~YOU'VE BEEN WRITING 1/13 FOR THE LAST FIVE MONTHS~~

* * *

  
someone get me out  
someone get me out please  
someone i'm  
i'm  
i am  
get me out  
get me out  
someone help me

You're overreacting. It wasn't even that deep.

* * *

  
i am lost  
i cant find my way back  
granma where are you

1/15

I was looking through my desk for that pistol and I found a drawer full of red yarn. All wrapped up in those ~~things~~ ...skeins?  
I'm going to assume that was you.  
You've been crying all day. Get a grip on yourself. What kind of man are you?  
Going out, be back soon.

 ~~for god's sake~~ edgar i came with you i come with you everywhere why are you writing me notes like this i'm  always with you  
 ~~for god's sake edgar for god's sake for  
GOD'S  
SAKE~~

DON'T TELL ME THAT YOU KILLED HIM YOU BASTARD YOU KILLED HIM

* * *

  
someone please  
someone please someone  
i can hear it running down the drain and going back in  
the room is i can't navigate its all blocked its everywhere  
i didn't do this why is he doing this why won't he tell me god i don't know i don't know  
ripped yarn tied to the shower head oh fuck help me

You took everything away from me. You took it all away. You took everything. Where did you put it? I know it's around here somewhere.

* * *

  
my toy  
my little action figure my toy  
my toy it was talking ~~to~~ with me and it used my voice  
my toy my little toy  
oh jesus please someone

1/16

Nny called.  
It's nice to hear from him again. I feel better.

no officer i haven't heard of anyone by that name  
yes if i hear anything i will contact you right away  
goodbye  
goodbye  
goodbye

~~I hate you.~~

DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND YOU'RE GOING TO GET US BOTH KILLED

1/17

I've come to the conclusion that I have better things to do with my time. Goodbye.

i'm going to the hospital you're  
all of this  
you may have broken your fucking leg to try and stop me but i'm going to the hospital  
i'm going to the hospital  
FUCK YOU EDGAR  
FUCK YOU  
FUCK YOU

* * *

  
i can't get out  
i can't get out  
i can't  
he des  
i can't he's going to do it  
please someone help me  
where are you when i need you  
where are you where are you  
i'm drowning i can't breathe I CAN'T BREATHE SOMEONE HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME PLE

I knew you wouldn't understand.

* * *

  
i can hear her crying  
where are you  
please make it stop  
make it stop  
make it stop  
they keep burrowing deeper and i can feel them moving  
and he keeps telling me that soon soon it'll be time and  
oh god please help me  
where are you i didn't mean to hurt you i never wanted to hurt you  
i didnt want to disappoint you please i need you  
dont cry granma please  
dont cry i need you  
please im lost im lost and soon is all too soon  
oh god oh god please stop crying i didnt mean to it wasnt my fault  
i never wanted to  
i can see them moving they like my hands  
crawling across the bones i see them move and soon he tells me WHY ARE YOU LETTING THIS HAPPEN EDGAR  
make them go away  
GET AWAY FROM MY EYES

* * *

  
\---

* * *

  
\---

* * *

  
\---

* * *

  
i've let you down  
i've let everyone down  
n    nn       gh         n

1/13

Soon.

* * *

  
i was yelling at my toy to stop talking to me and then  
it started talking with edgar's voice  
i mean, old edgar's voice  
the one i used to know the old edgar i once had  
just like him it sounded just like him  
is this what happened is this why everything is falling apart is this it  
i want to know what this means but i cant think i can hear them scratching  
i don't want this to happen again so i locked my precious toy in a drawer and threw the key out the window  
he'll be safe that way and besides i can still hear him  
just like me so long ago

~~///---~~

1/13  
I am  
flying

EATING ME ALIVE I CANT

* * *

  
i cant get out ~~do this~~ get out

GRANDMA?  
GRANDMA?

1/14

I know what I'm doing. I know what I'm doing, of course. You'll be proud of me. I didn't even make any noise. I've always been brave, you know. Death doesn't matter to me. I wouldn't make any noise over something like this.  
I can feel air go through my body. Right through. Flyswatter swiss cheese sieve mesh pin point  
Stared too hard at the sun and I sneezed and went all the way around.  
They make such pretty patterns in here. All over the walls and fluttering through the air. I never really appreciated butterflies until now. They're so many different colors. Red and black and  
I've created life.

im blind im blind im blind but i can still see in my eyes and i can still see  
i want to  
WHY DO BUTTERFLYS SCREAM LIKE THAT WHAT KIND OF FUCKED UP THINGS DID YOU LET

1/15

There's something in the drawer that wants to get out. All the butterflys keep hovering around it. Something strange going on, something very strange. I can't find the key though. It keeps banging and making strange noises. I guess it'll eventually die of starvation...it's probably better that it stays closed.  
When they all rest at once I can't move.

let me out let me out let me out LET ME OUT

WHO WROTE THAT

* * *

  
turn it off i've seen too much someone stop the ride stop the ride i want to get off someone stop the ride someone make it stop  
make it stop make it stop  
i yawned and a butterfly FLEW OUT OF MY MOUTH  
he                                l     p

1/16

On second thought, are these moths?

its like walking on cereal all those empty shells crunching underfoot  
i cant even move lately i feel like ive been shivering nonstop for the last month  
i wanted to go out but they all started screaming and then i

* * *

  
help me  
help me  
please someone  
i'm alone  
i am all alone

\---

Why aren't you talking to me?

don't lock me out like this please don't do this  
i just want it to be like it used to be

ANSWER ME I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME

SOMEONE HEAR ME SOMEONE PLEASE

DON'T PLAY GAMES WITH ME

* * *

  
circles

* * *

  
fingrsbrkn

1/17

And now, presenting for your amusement, the great and wonderful

1/18

Kind of a "splee" sound.

* * *

  
someone  
let me  
let me  
let me  
let  
  ~~let me die~~

~~But we've still got four more levels to go. You're not giving up  
are you  
Look at that high score.~~

you've never played a video game in your entire life.

* * *

  
i can hear you oh god your voice  
your voice sounds so good compared to  
so good  
it sounds like you used to  
god dont stop please  
just keep talking ah  
i want you so badly  
               ^back  
i want you back so badly.  
he won't get you not while i have anything to say about it

1/18

I tried to take a shower and and and and and and and AND and and AND  
and   and  
  and and AND and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnd

god wasn't one flock or swarm whatever the fuck you call this mess of flying bugs enough  
wasn't that enough theyre still fucking everywhere  
wasn't that enough tell the new ones to go away im not letting them dig into me again i did my part i did my fucking part im not letting them make more

* * *

  
go ahead and watch me you fucking bugs i know you can hear me you keep making that screaming noise i know you're not normal  
you won't be so goddamn cocky when i come back with the raid

1/18

I slept all day. I haven't done that in a while.

edgar i think the bugs took your keys and threw them down the kitchen drain  
you should do something about that

Scriabin! Wow, how long has it been? We need to talk more often! You shouldn't be such a stranger. How are the wife and kids?

fuck.

* * *

  
julie?

1/18

I pressed too hard and I felt this pop. One pop, just one.  
Well, my other one is fine. I can just get a glass eye. Or an eyepatch. Or something. My vision wasn't fantastic to begin with, right?  
Need to get this out first. Where did I put the spoons?

* * *

  
they hid the keys and now i cant get out i cant get help  
they're all over they're all over me they're all over they're in the socket i can feel them I SAID I DIDN'T WANT TO GET AWAY FROM ME LEAVE ME ALONE

* * *

  
god

* * *

  
i have long hair. i have long hair. why did you cut it. my hair isn't this short. my hair isn't like this. i don't look like this. my face isn't

1/18

I don't know how to knit. Where'd these needles come from?

why are we still alive  
WHY ARE WE STILL ALIVE

* * *

  
that window is hanging funny

1/19

Skin floats in water. Did you know that?

* * *

  
for the guests come down bring the towels i won't have you embarrassing me

1/20

I lost something but I don't know what. I can't remember. I can't remember but I want it back so badly.  
I want him back again I haven't seen him for a long time. Maybe he doesn't like butterflies. They can be a bit stifling but they're very pretty when they all fly together. I think he'd like it. He likes pretty things, he was an artist a long time ago.  
I want him back. I miss him. I'll call him, that's what I'll do. Maybe he got lost.

i want him back i need a counterbalance on this scale or we're all falling off and you know what that means that means you pay for it you break it you buy it  
didn't pay attention in world religions and now anubis is coming to getcha

You don't know who he is either.

he couldn't get in the doors locked and the bugs wouldn't like him anyway

* * *

  
goddammit i can't watch tv with them screaming all the GODDAMN TIME  
FUCKING A Edgar they're YOUR BUGS MAKE THEM SHUT UP

1/20

I found a lot of cat hair all over my favorite shirt. Joel must be angry at me for some reason...did I forget to get cat food the last time I went out?  
I tried to pull out one of the knives from that wooden block I keep them in in the kitchen and it wouldn't come out. It was stuck. I must have cut something sticky and forgot to wipe it off...I haven't done that in a while. Annoying and it's not good for the blade. Where is my mind lately?

1/21

Are you seeing someone new? You're acting like you're seeing someone new. What, am I not good enough for you anymore? That's it, the wedding is off. I want my ring back. I want a divorce. I want you to get out of my house, and take your goddamn cat with you. It was always scratching up my clothes anyway.

are you talking to me? you aren't, are you.

* * *

  
sometimes i thought that maybe reintegration would be key  
if i couldn't get out then maybe i could rejoin with him  
but that would mean i would die essentially so understandably that was not high on my list of things to do  
i like being alive, unlike some people i know  
but at least it was an option  
now  
now i don't want to get close to him at all  
if i even tried to reintegrate with him now if i even knew how to do that  
i'd end up just like he is  
i'm not crazy goddammit and i won't go crazy  
you're on your own edgar i'm not "rejoining" with you  
i appreciate you asking though for once

1/20

There once was a time

1/21

I used to be someone. Something. I've become more now. I'm more than someone but I'm not sure how to say it. God is still someone. I'm not no one.  
Am I everyone? Is that how it would work?  
What do you think, Joel?

1/22

Joel tried to eat some of the butterflies. I had to stop him, the butterflies never did anything to him after all. I understand it's a cat's nature, but the butterflies really are so pretty, and they took a long time to make.  
I can fold a piece of paper into crane. I'm not sure when I learned how to do that, but I suppose I learned some time ago. Must be like riding a bicycle, you never forget.

1/23

I just remembered, Nny's allergic to cats. Sorry Joel, but between you and him, it's him. I got rid of Joel and now Nny can come over again. Maybe that's why he didn't come by before.  
I've got to tell him that Joel's gone.

goddamn you  
people sure  
but a cat  
a cat  
shit he never did anything  
he never did anything to you

I'm sure Joel will find another home to live in. They don't put abandoned pets to sleep unless they've been there for seven days. I remember reading that somewhere.

~~i imagine it'll be hard for joel to find a new home when he's in a SHOEBOX UNDER YOUR BED YOU FUCK~~

* * *

  
i opened the box where joel was and  
i found  
i just saw another skein of yarn it's fucking everywhere  
shit  
i know what you did edgar i know what you did you can't hide it from me  
how did you get outside the door's locked and the key's gone

1/20

I just can't stop crying and it's driving me crazy. I hate doing this. It's hard to see and I have no reason. It's so pointless. Maybe one of the things got in my eye.

1/21

Power surge.  
I bought a standing lamp and set it up in my bedroom.  
When the butterflies hover too long above it, they burst into flames.  
I should turn the lamp off. It's been an hour.

* * *

  
i want my life back  
i want my life back  
i want my life back

"What life did you have?"

how dare you turn this back on me things were completely different back then

* * *

  
the crane  
the crane tried to  
the crane  
i'll fucking show you

* * *

  
why won't this end WHY WON'T THIS END i ripped out all the empty pages last night and it won't end THIS WON'T END WHO KEEPS DOING THIS WHY WON'T IT END WHY WON'T THIS END

1/22

A surprise party for me? I'm honored! Thank you, Mr. President. Thank you, Mr. Prime Minister. You don't know how much this means to me. I never thought I would recieve such high accolades and from such distinguished personages.  
Oh, this? This is my escort, Scriabin Vargas. Yes, I know. Don't mind him, he has a bit of an attitude.  
oh no am i allergic to shellfish?

goddammit edgar i want to take a shower could you PLEASE MOVE YOUR GOD DAMN LOBSTERS TO THE KITCHEN OR SOMETHING

1/23

I want to make cookies, but I can't find the door. I didn't know there were this many. They've covered up the walls completely. I'm sure the door must be here somewhere.  
I turned on the lamp to try and distract them, but they made this horrible squealing noise when they  
I just want to make cookies guys cmon

* * *

  
i was bored so i took some yarn and tied it to one of the butterflys when it was asleep. now i've got a bug on a leash. this is more amusing then i thought it would be. goes round and round and round.  
even funnier when it was on fire.

* * *

  
this is the point of no return yes it goes on and on my friends  
wait that's not how it goes goddamn it  
god damn it.

* * *

  
oh shit they're back again I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO GO AWAY  
god i want to get drunk so badly but the door is still locked you FUCKING BUGS  
EDGAR

1/24

Look I don't care who started it, I'm stopping it. I can't have you bickering about stupid things. I think you're both overreacting. Yes Scri, you have a point, but so do the butterflies, and to be honest, they were here first.  
wait.  
wait  
wait

oh fuck it burns fuck i forgot about that

1/25

My new eye is growing in nicely. Maybe I won't need a glass eye after all.  
It turns out that one of the butterflies knows Nny. Isn't that a coincidence? I couldn't believe it. I asked it to deliver a message for me.

it is an eye that's growing in isn't it

1/26

Oh god it hurts it hurts  
I thought you cared, make it stop. I thought you cared about me, make it stop. Please, I didn't do anything to you. Don't hurt me like this. Please make it stop. Please. I thought you cared about me. I thought you were my

yes god yes you sound like you used to when you begged me to stop god yes yes yes

You don't have to do this, I promise. I promise this is unnecessary, I swear it is. Please stop hurting me.

dont stop dont stop dont stop

* * *

  
thank god we don't have a garbage disposal  
that's all i have to say

1/26

I was stretching and I pointed my foot, and then it just kept bending until I heard this snap.  
In other news, I found my keys.

* * *

  
venture forth young scriabin venture forth  
there's a better world in here then out there i guarantee it  
i can make cookies edgar i can make them

1/27

My heartbeat tried to push out my other good eye. I put a stop to that though.

it's when you stop thinking it's weird  
that's when things are really wrong  
things have really gone too far  
my knuckles are bruised

\---

Hiiiiiiiii scraibn guesss what i can seee yoo  
i can seeee yoooooo

* * *

  
i swore i wouldn't write in here again  
i swore i wouldn't and shit  
shit

1/28

I had wings a long time ago.  
I remember flying.  
I remember looking in the mirror and seeing my future. My real future.  
I remember seeing them, spreading and beautiful, white feathers shining gold with the stitches so well done.  
I remember the halo shining when it caught the light just right, settled a little crooked over my head but that was still where it belonged.  
I remember it, I remember flying. I remember earning those wings. I remember making them. I remember.  
Where did they go? Where did they go? What happened to them?

oh edgar  
they weren't angel wings i saw what they really were  
i saw what you were becoming so i got rid of them

I want to fly again.

don't bring the bugs into this they don't know what really happened

1/29

Thank you for last night.

things are getting better see  
i can give you your wings  
i can fix it like i promised i would  
i can  
shh  
dont cry

* * *

  
have one good week and then  
there's a bunch of numbers on the back of my hand  
i can't tell what they are  
its not a phone number or something  
not an address  
just random numbers over and over all over  
what's going on when did he do this  
im not some kind of lab experiment you sick

1/30

I need to cut my nails. I made a fist and they jabbed into my palms. I don't like having long nails. Things get caught under them, you know, they're unsanitary, essentially. Guys don't have long nails anyway.

what the fuck is wrong with you how can you just sit there and keep clipping you sick fuck  
i can make it i can maake it i can make it if you won't  
ngha GET HELP SOMEONE GET HELP

 

 

 

                            checked injgjj~~~  
kagghhs ~~Edgar Vargas~~  
nnghstopstopstopitstopitstopitimwarningyou tips of fingers manually removed with kkksaaaasskksk~~~  
numerous lacerations WHYWONTTHEYSTOPWERENOTINTHEROOMANYMOREMAKETHEMSTOPSCREAMING malnourished kkkkkzzxxxx  
                             imnotlettingthishappenyourejustgoingtoembarassme several wounds around the FUCKYOUEDGAR area sssshhahhutupshutupshutupshutup  
itoldthemaboutnnyYOUDIDNTkzzkz ~~severely delusional~~ hahahahahagodihateyou danger to himse youwishyoudid ksxxkkkks  
didyoutellthemaboutsxxhgsxxthebutterflies some form of dissociative iden hellnoyouthinki'mcrazy  
stopTALKINGimtryingtoLISTEN kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkzzzzzzzzzzzzzzxxxxxxxxxxxxx shitlookyouBROKEIT  
 ~~possible violent tendencies when using the "Scr~~ ididnttouchitiswear ~~persona~~ FUCKYOULADYILLSHOWYOUAFUCKINGPERSONA  
NOSTOPPLEASE

......

write down what I see.

"...has no last name, no records despite the patient's insistence that he's real...both personalities give varying accounts on the imaginary person, leading to some heated arguments. The alternate persona in particular becomes agitated when "Nny" is mentioned..."

"Alternate persona is extremely hostile, refuses to cooperate with anyone..."

"Both personalities have a tendency to get into arguments with one another, patient can scream at himself for days..."

"Do not mention butterflies. The alternate is apparently somewhat phobic, the source becomes catatonic..."

"Violent tendencies definitely present, particularly when certain subjects are mentioned. These should be avoided at all costs: Nny (and reality thereof), sexuality, cats, yarn, religion, the scars..."

"Alternate can be extremely unpleasant to deal with, has an abrasive, arrogant, and antagonistic attitude towards everyone including staff. Constant source of fights and conflict..."

"Considering solitary confinement, excepting the fact that the alternate can be pacified by paper and a pen...while the source again slips into a catatonic trance when any form of journal or diary keeping is mentioned, the alternate in contrast sometimes becomes quite calm when the subject is broached...it's the only way to engage him in any kind of civil discussion...there have been violent outbursts when the diary has been mentioned however, so it should not be viewed as a solution to all problems..."

"Alternate becomes severely upset when not referred to by his chosen name and insists on being considered his own person. It is essential not to buy into this delusion..."

"Any talk of the scars only prompts the same catatonic/violent response. Medical treatment of old wounds is also rebuffed, somewhat politely by the source and viciously by the alternate. From what has been gathered about where these scars came from, while there are some details both personalities agree on, it is not enough to be trusted. In particular the name written on his arm prompts a violent/withdrawal reaction, as do the small marks beneath the eyes..."

"Keep all sharp objects away from the patient at all times. Has proven to be creatively violent..."

"During delusional spells, it is best to use a four-point restraint until the delusions cease. The delusions tend to be extremely powerful, therefore affecting his behavior in an obvious fashion. Once it is clear that a spell has begun, he must be subdued quickly before any harm comes to any of the other patients. Nothing mentioned during these delusional fits should be brought up later, as this has a tendency to send both personalities into a violent rampage...source of delusions is being investigated, but the patient is being resistant towards any kind of detailed testing..."

"New roommate for ~~###########~~ required. Alternate did not take kindly to them and became violent. Currently restrained in ~~#########~~ and showing no signs of remorse for what he's done. Alternate seems aware of what happened, source claims to have not been present, although he colloborates that the violence was necessary. Source is easily swayed by the alternate and becomes extremely agitated if the alternate's reality is brought into question..."

"Attempted group therapy with other ~~#########~~ afflicted patients but the alternate refused and again had to be subdued and restrained. When the source surfaces during these group sessions he tends to be confused, in denial of the problem, and regresses to a childlike state..."

"...keeps insisting others participate in his delusions, insists that he be allowed to call this Nny person so they know where he is..."

"...has yet to apologize for any violent acts he has committed...the alternate always justifies his actions and the source often follows..."

"The patient has retreated in the face of the treatment, in particular whenever the problem itself is confronted, and is spending more time in the alternate personality. He has been known to remain as the alternate personality for days at a time. This cannot be allowed to continue..."

they don't think i'm paying attention  
guess what my boy we're still invisible when we want to be  
when we want them to ignore us they do  
they don't notice the paper sheets i slip away  
they don't notice when the key is missing or when the door is unlocked  
they don't notice us my dear edgar they don't notice us  
i mean shit they didnt even notice when your roommate who liked invading just a bit too much of your personal space suddenly disappeared did they  
your fucking invisibility actually came in handy for once  
thought at first maybe they could help but obviously that's not true at all  
they're making things worse.  
they're making things worse so now it's time to leave. i've learned what not to do here i've learned and now i can fix it  
isn't that great don't you think kind of ironic really, that they can be so bad at it, and i can learn what not to do from them  
now i can fix it edgar, i can fix you  
i can make things better like we wanted  
we wanted.  
they don't think i can hear them  
they don't think i can think  
stupid fuckers.  
that's why i'm going to get out of here  
and that, edgar, is when things will get better.  
that is when things will definitely get better.

 

  


The End  
(Author's Note: The Latin is a Catholic prayer, specifically the Prayer of Self-Dedication to Jesus Christ, or Oblatio Sui. Translation reads: Lord Jesus Christ, take all my freedom, my memory, my understanding, and my will. All that I have and cherish Thou hast given me. I surrender it all to be guided by Thy will. Thy grace and Thy love are wealth enough for me. Give me these Lord Jesus and I ask for nothing more. Amen.)  



End file.
